


Yankee Swap

by MetaDash



Category: Bleach
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-22 02:00:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13156812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MetaDash/pseuds/MetaDash
Summary: Yachiru decides to spread Christmas cheer and has her club get gifts for each other! What laughs, chaos, and more await them and you, dear reader? One-shot, takes place before NSWA but reading it is not required. (title is just for flair, we're not playing The Office rules over here~!)





	Yankee Swap

"Christmas? That human holiday?"

It was one snowy day in December, and President Yachiru Kusajishi was thinking of fun ideas to conclude another year of NSWA club fun. Nanao had pondered the suggestion.

"Yep! Hime-chan and Suki-chan told me all about it! You get gifts, set out cookies for a fat man named Santa…."

"Hmm." Nanao looked through the club log. "Well, we did the maid café last term, and if we're going to be ending the year, then perhaps a celebration IS in order."

"Great! And I've got an idea…."

* * *

"Christmas?! P-President, that sounds wonderful!" Already Yuzu's eyes were shining. She had missed the winter festivities from her time in the Living World. Her twin sighed.

"Good grief….so what's the plan, Yachiru?"

Yachiru jumped onto the table and held out a hat with slips of paper in them. "Everyone picks a name! Whoever you get, you must get them a present! And at the party, we'll have sweets and snacks!"

"Yaaaay! Secret Santa!" Orihime clasped her hands together. "Me first, me first!"

So she got the first pick, and Yachiru moved around the room so that everyone could take a name. Some looked pleased at their pick, while others….knew getting a gift would be a challenge.

"Uhh, why can't we just pick who we wanna give a gift to?" Apache asked. "I don't get it!"

"That's the point of Secret Santa, Apache-san!" Orihime bounced in her seat. "You don't know who's gonna give you a present, and that's the fun!"

"Everyone has until the end of the week!"

And thus, the hunt began.

* * *

**Giver #1 – Orihime  
Recipient – Rukia**

"This should be easy!" Orihime had made a list of possible gift choices while in her room, but then it dawned on her: "Oh….I can only pick one…."

"Hey, Orihime, what are you doing?" Ichigo asked, stepping inside. "What's with the list?"

"Oh Ichigo! What present do you think Rukia would like the most? I've narrowed it down to 35 things…we're doing a Secret Santa this year!"

"35? Uh, Hime, maaaaybe you need to trim that down some more. Just get her something Chappy related, it's her favorite thing."

"Hmm….but that's so predictable! It has to be something really special if it's gonna be Chappy."

Ichigo scratched his head. "Maybe make something?"

"Make….that's it!" Orihime kissed his cheek. "You're so smart, Ichigo!"  
"Well, hehe, I don't want to brag….any idea who got you?"

* * *

**Giver #2 – Lisa  
Recipient – Orihime**

Lisa looked through her bookshelf, searching for a worthy gift for her pick.

"Hmm….yeah, she'd get a kick out of this!"

It should be noted that 90% of Lisa Yadomaru's bookshelf was erotica.

* * *

**Giver #3 – Candice  
Recipient – Meninas**

The irritation of Christmas put a scowl on Candice's face, but she didn't know what to think once she picked one of her dearest friends.

"Why do you hate Christmas, again?" Liltotto asked. The two were walking through the streets, pondering gift ideas.

"Because it's nothing more than an endless source of disappointment, Liltotto. Even before we spent every winter in that rathole, it left a bad taste in my mouth. My parents took me to see Santa when I was really small."

"Ah….you didn't get what you wanted?"

Candice huffed. "I was pretty specific. I wanted a nutcracker doll."

"Well….since you got Meninas, why don't you get her a doll? Y'know, the one that you ripped?"

"What you mean….. _Otto?_ The bear? Does Seireitei even make things like those?"

"Candice, Yachiru managed to get bikinis, maid outfits, and magical girl costumes. I think a teddy bear is something they can handle."

* * *

**Giver #4 - Kiyone  
Recipient - Isane**

Getting her sister was a stroke of good fortune. Kiyone knew exactly what to get her. She raced over to the 7th and sought out the most skilled tailor, Uryu Ishida.

"A present? For your sister?"

"Uh huh!" Kiyone showed him the design. "She's always upset that there aren't too many clothes that fit her height. Can you make something for me?"

"I don't see why not!" Uryu took it as a challenge to win. "I'll need my tools."

She handed him a needle.

"Ohohoho….Kotetsu, do I look like an amateur? Please." Uryu stepped over to a small toolbox. Inside, where the little shelves expanded outward, was cloth, needles, pins, and other accessories. "I'll just need an hour."

"That's it? Are you sure?"

Uryu attached a small light to his glasses. "I'm a professional."

* * *

**Giver #5 - Loly  
Recipient - Hiyori**

Loly just stared at the piece of paper in her hand.

"Um….what can I even get her….?"

She knew Hiyori was prone to yelling and violence, which only reminded herself of her Hollow days. There had to be something she could get her.

"Huh?"

One look into a shop's window gave her an idea.

* * *

**Giver #6 - Nanao  
Recipient - Sun-Sun**

The Vice-President of the NSWA would be one of faster gift getters, for she knew what to get: a tea set.  
"Ah, Vice-Captain Ise, you want that one?"  
"Yes, please."

After all, Cyan Sun-Sun was a dignified woman that liked to drink tea and read, much like herself. But when Nanao was waiting for the gift, someone entered the shop.

"Ise-san, how goes it?"

"H-Harribel-san…." Nanao turned to block the counter. "I'm doing fine. What brings you here?"

"I recently cracked one of my cups, and I'd like to replace it." Harribel looked around, and her curious green eyes stopped at whatever Nanao was trying to hide. "Um…what are you doing?"

"Me?"

"Yes."

"I'm…..merely standing here to enjoy the pleasantries of the day."

"But we're inside."

"Y-Yes."

"Hmmm…..I'd say that's an excellent gift for her."

"For who?"

"Well, neither Apache and Mila Rose drink tea, and I'm not fond of that particular color, so I can only conclude it is for Sun-Sun."

"Soundless logic, Harribel-san, but you're forgetting the fact that plenty of our associates drink tea."

"But the cups have snake patterns on them. Don't you see the thematic relevance?"

"It could always be for me."

"Then why are you trying to hide it, since you're admitting it?"

"I…don't know."

The two stared at each other for about 30 more seconds, before the blonde woman shrugged her shoulders and left.

"I think that went well." Nanao turned back around, just as the-  
 **CRASH**  
-worker came back.

* * *

**Giver #7 - Karin  
Recipient - Retsu**

Retsu Unohana was the kindest Shinigami out there, so the bar for finding an excellent gift would not be too high. Surely she'd love whatever Karin got her.

"Ah, so Kurosaki-san, you say you have a…..fever?"

But she had to be sure, hence the "check-up" to see Hanataro.

"Yeeeep."  
Hanataro felt her forehead. "But you're not too hot….I'll get the thermometer." He headed to the cabinets.

"Say, uh…Hanataro-kun, what would be something your Captain would like?"

"Captain? Why do you ask?"

"Well say there's a friend of mine that got her for Secret Santa, but she wants to make sure it's not something lame. What should I tell my friend?" The hypothetical was to throw Retsu off the trail if she was listening in.

"Wait…..I'm sorry, which question is it? What she would like or what I should tell your friend? Who's your friend again?"

Karin didn't miss a beat. "Ringo Sutarru."

"Um….who is that?"

"Oh, this drummer guy, big fan of music. So about that gift suggestion…." Her temperature was checked - the usual 37 degrees Celsius.

"You don't have a fever…."  
Beat. "Hanataro, can you help out Ringo or not?"

* * *

**Giver #8 - Isane  
Recipient - Apache**

Isane had absolutely no idea on what to get the heterochromia-lidded woman. She considered contacts, just to correct the eyes, but Apache had always made the point of loudly defending them whenever Mila Rose insulted her.

"Hmm….well, maybe something outside the box!"

She turned course to a small feminine kind of shop.

"Let's see…."

XXXXX

Isane found what she felt was the prettiest kimono in the area, but would a tomboy like Apache appreciate it? The choice was hard.

"Hey Kotetsu!" Yoruichi was shopping too. "Gonna get that for your Santa?"

"Eep! I mean…..I'm n-not sure. What have you there?"

"Hehehe, it's secret. For MY Santa. She'll get a total laugh out of this one! Better pick it out fast, things tend to fly off the shelves here."

So she picked up the kimono anyway. Once the two were about to pay, Yoruichi frowned and checked her pockets.

"Damn, I'll be right back." Isane watched her leave, but was distracted by a cute little necklace she saw under the counter.

"Ma'am, are you taking that too?"

"Oh no….hehehe, I'll save that for my sister's birthday. Here, this should be enough."

Unfortunately, there was only one problem - Isane left with the wrong box.

* * *

**Giver #9 - Yoruichi  
Recipient - Kukaku**

"I'm back!" Yoruichi took Isane's box instead. "Surprised the Seireitei would have one of these bad boys in stock."  
"Well, we do have a few brazen ladies….teehee…."

* * *

**Giver #10 - Rukia  
Recipient - Candice**

Rukia had already gotten side gifts for Ichigo, Renji, and Byakuya, and now was the time to buy something for Candice Catnipp. They had worked together to stop the Espada Aaroniero, and she had electrocuted her own body just to save her life.

"Okay, ideas, ideas…." Rukia tapped her pen. "I could get…..naaah. How about…..no."

Byakuya passed by, but his eyes drifted to the desk. "Working on something, Rukia?"

"Byakuya, what should I get Catnipp? Something to thank her for her efforts, you know? I was thinking Chappy but that's something _I'd_ want."

"Her likes?"

"Being right in arguments?"

"Her….dislikes?"

"When people don't notice when she's spruced up her hair?" Rukia gasped. "That's it! She likes looking good! Beauty products!"

Byakuya nodded. "Sounds appropriate. What types would you get her?"

"….I'm gonna need a minute…." came her dumbfounded reply.

* * *

**Giver #11 - Menoly  
Recipient - Ururu**

"You're asking ME what to get Ururu?"

Menoly had sought out one Jinta Hanakari for advice. He scoffed when she asked him the question straight up.

"Well, between you and me, Ururu loves Santa. She still believes in him, the little kid that she is. So something related to the fat geezer would work."

"Fat….geezer?"

"Yeah, he comes in the middle of the night through a chimney and devours cookies! I'm surprised he doesn't have diabetes or something."

Menoly blinked. "What's diabetes?"

"Huh? Didn't they have sugar in Hueco Mundo?"

"…no."

* * *

**Giver #12 - Rangiku  
Recipient - Nanao**

Nanao Ise loved to read, so a book seemed like the immediate gift choice for Rangiku. She marched into the Seireitei Library with a confident smile….which only made the passive readers blush at her presence.

"Vice-Captain Matsumoto….y-you don't normally come in here."

"Pssah! Listen Gramps, I need a good book for Nanao-chan! I want you to recommend your finest title!"

"Well, er…..we have this section over here…."

Rangiku was led to a shelf with several thick tomes. Seeing the mere size of the book was enough to make her resolve crack. How was she supposed to know which one would be the best?

"Do you know what subject she likes to read?"  
"Um….all of them, I think. You know how bookworms work." She brushed the hair out of her eyes. "What should I do?"

"You could always read a few and determine which one she'd like?"

"Uhhhh….."

So she picked the brainiest-looking Shinigami to read and summarize the plots for her. And actually, it didn't cost her a dime, since he kept blushing and stuttering when he saw her boobs.

* * *

**Giver #13 - Soi  
Recipient - Mashiro**

"It has to be here…."

She had free time to quickly visit the Human World (in a Gigai of course). She asked the shopkeepers across Karakura, but all of them seemed totally perplexed by the item she was describing.

"Come on! It's a white and orange jumpsuit. Surely some shop in this country has it?"

"Well…." The elderly man scratched his chin. "That one's a rare one. I think the last one is being auctioned off in Kyoto."

"Auctioned off?! When?"

"Next Sunday."

"I don't have that kind of time! Tch!" What could she do?

XXXX

The easiest way of getting it, of course. She made her way to Kyoto in her regular form, jumping from roof to roof. Soon she found it, sitting in a glass cage.

"How much do I have….?"

Soi quickly jumped into her Gigai and counted the bills. For an article of clothing, it seemed enough.

XXXXX

"W-What?! Sir, get in here! The jumpsuit's gone! Someone took it!"

"WHAT?!" The manager ran in the room. "But how?! The cage isn't tampered with! Check the security cameras!"

They did, but no person came up. It just disappeared on one frame.

"Sir….look!"

"5,000 yen?! How did….who did…..ARGH! People would've paid much more for this collector's item!"

* * *

**Giver #14 - Hiyori  
Recipient - Nemu**

Hiyori was never a big fan of Christmas. During her time in the Living World, she would go out of her way to avoid any piece of media on it - the cheering, the endless commercials, it drove her up the wall.

So when she told Shinji who she had to get a gift for…

"Ha! Hiyori, everyone knows you're the worst gift-giver ever." Shinji leaned back in his chair. "You once gave me actual coal."

"Because you're an asshole, Baldy, that's not surprising. But Nemu-san's a good person. So this year…..ugh. I have to try."

"I'm so sorry for you," he said sarcastically. "Might as well just give her some money."

"That's what tightwads do!"  
"Hiyori, tightwads don't literally _give_ money. Why not just get her the thing you got for my birthday?"

"Because she doesn't have a _thing_ for me to give it to. Oh, and Shinji?"

"Yeah?"

She threw a bookcase at him.

* * *

**Giver #15 - Liltotto  
Recipient - Mila Rose**

Liltotto wasn't a big fan of Christmas either, but at least she could summon more good cheer for it than Candice did. Her pick was a little tricky to shop for….so she picked the reasonable idea of following her around to see her day.

First, it was the uniform.

"Hmm….the top's a little tight….these things are a pain in the ass sometimes…"

Then, it was her usual squabble with Apache.

"Hey Mila Rose, didn't see you come by over there. You really need a cowbell."  
"What's _that_ supposed to mean?"  
"The two udders on your chest! Haha!"  
"Oh you just WANT me to break your teeth…."

XXXXX

Then, it was something she found particularly interesting. Mila Rose had stopped near an alley, and she was alone for nearly 3 minutes before Yumichika sidled up next to her.

"You look a little stressed."

"Feh! It's just Apache being her usual damn self, and I gotta catch up on some paperwork."

"You?" Yumichika chuckled. "When was the last time you did any paperwork?"

"Well that's the problem, handsome."

Liltotto continued to watch, her mouth gaping only slightly when the two embraced. _Well, opposites attract I guess. But what can I do with this? Maybe…..ah! I know!_

* * *

**Giver #16 - Kukaku  
Recipient - Soi**

Finally Kukaku had the choice to relax at home, and it was sprawling across her bed when she thought about what to get her squeeze.

"She got me that locket for my birthday…..hmmm. It's times like this that I use my thinkin' pipe!" Kukaku reached into the drawer, put said pipe in her mouth, and before she could light up…..she stopped.

_Maybe she would want one too…..no way! She doesn't use this. Think, Kukaku!_

"Why don't you get her a ring?"  
"Oh yes, what a great idea!"

"What?" Kukaku scowled and sat up. "Shiroganehiko, Hoganehiko, what the hell did I say about eavesdropping on my private time?!"

"We're sorry, milady! We were just trying to help!" both servants cried out. However, Kukaku pondered the idea.

"A ring….ugh, that's a little too far off. But what if….if it was two rings?"

"Huh? You'd wed her twice?"

"No, stupid! The things she wears!"

* * *

**Giver #17 - Yuzu  
Recipient - Liltotto**

"Okay!" Yuzu clapped her hands together. "Time to get started!" She already had out all of the pans, and the list of ingredients. "I'll make these the best cookies ever!"

Much to the surprise of the house's servants, Yuzu had refused any help. She had to be in the zone to cook properly. Halfway through, she took out a piece of paper.

"Something special for Liltotto-san…..thank you, Karin-chan! You're such a good sister."

Of course, Yuzu never questioned _how_ Karin had an inside scoop….

* * *

**Giver #18 - Tatsuki  
Recipient - Loly**

There was once a time where Tatsuki Arisawa hated Loly, due to the abuse she had inflicted to Orihime while the both were in Hueco Mundo.

But that time was past. Loly and Menoly had turned over a new leaf, idolizing and treating Orihime with a newfound respect, and as such, Tatsuki certainly couldn't hate her.

….so why was getting her a gift so hard?!

"Alright, alright!" Hours of searching, but she could only narrow it down to two choices. "Heads I pick this….tails I pick the other thing!"

She threw the coin into the air…..and it landed down vertically, stuck in a hole in the wood.

"HOW."

* * *

**Giver #19 - Mashiro  
Recipient - Neliel**

Mashiro was so excited that she bolted all the way home and opened her closet.

"…..Soon, the sidekick is born…."

* * *

**Giver #20 - Neliel  
Recipient - Lisa**

There was only one person that could hope to capture Lisa Yadomaru's….more eccentric tastes. And that person was Shunsui Kyoraku.

"So you girls are doing some kind of gift exchange, eh?"

"Yes sir. Have any recommendations for Lisa?"

Shunsui gestured for her to follow, and soon the two were gazing at his bookshelf. "We've traded a couple of hits over the years….there's a lot of good choices, and since it's been years since Lisa was here, she's probably forgotten some of these."

"Great!"

"Let's see…..ooh! This one has good spreads." He handed her a red-colored book. Neliel flipped through the pages before a blush broke out on her cheeks.

"Ah, too much?"

"No….." she smiled. "I want something that makes me red in the first five pages! Lisa loves the dirty stuff, right?"

"Hehehehe….." Shunsui's eye twinkled. "Then you want THIS title…"

* * *

**Giver #21 - Meninas  
Recipient - Momo**

The pink-haired beauty knew exactly what to get Momo. Something small, but something that complimented her look greatly.

"Heehee….it's so cute!"

* * *

**Giver #22 - Lilinette  
Recipient - Yoruichi**

"Stark! Wake up!"

The ex-Primera rolled over and rubbed his eyes. "Sigh….I guess some things don't change, huh?"

"Shut up! Help me think of somethin' to get Lady Shihouin."  
"Huh? Yoruichi Shihouin?"

"Yeah." Lilinette showed him her list of rejected ideas. "I dunno what booze she likes, she likes to go naked so clothes wouldn't be very helpful….I only have three days, Stark!"

"Alright, alright, we can brainstorm. What else do you know about her?"

"Hm…..she can turn into a cat?"

"Huh?" Stark blinked himself to fully-awake status. "H-How?"

"Beats me. She's done it before but never said how. Said it was a family secret." Lilinette looked hard-pressed for an idea. "Maybe something cat-related, as a goof?"

"I dunno…..you could make her laugh, but you could also make her cringe, or something."

"Aw, Stark…..screw it! This Christmas stuff is so weird, so I'll make it weird!"

"Good luck with that…."

* * *

**Giver #23 - Retsu  
Recipient - Isane**

Retsu Unohana would be the first NSWA member to finish her gift search, and it sat neatly wrapped in her office for the whole week.

And each day, she would smile at its presence, knowing that Isane would love it.

* * *

**Giver #24 - Mila Rose  
Recipient - Kiyone**

Jushiro Ukitake was busy at his usual work when the door knocked. Curious, he opened it up, and found Mila Rose on her knees.

"Um…..Mila Rose?"

"Ukitake, help me! I got Kotetsu and I have NO goddamn idea on what to get her! You're her Captain, right? Please!"

"Hmmm….don't worry, I think I can assist you." He headed over to a big closet. "I was going to give this to Kiyone for her birthday, but your cause is noble!"

Mila Rose bore witness to the hundreds of wrapped gifts he had stored, each adorned with a Shinigami's name and the occasion it followed.

"Uh….."

"Here we are! Do you want your present now, too?"

"H-How many presents do you have in there?"

"Let's see…..1, 2….carry the 3….a few over there….16, 17…..there and there…..blast, not *too* many, I'm sorry. Only 2,182."

"…"

"Hm? What's with that face?"

* * *

**Giver #25 - Apache  
Recipient - Rangiku**

When Mila Rose headed back to the 11th with her gift in tow, she was shocked to see a collection of liquor bottle boxes thrown about.

"Oh, Mila Rose, scared that my gift is better than yours?"

"As if!"

"What is it anyway?"

"A sweat…sock…..s-shoe…..I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO YOU, DAMN IT!"

* * *

**Giver #26 - Momo  
Recipient - Harribel**

Momo Hinamori would admit she was a little envious of Tia Harribel. She was tall, beautiful, calm, yet maintained a commanding presence. And her hair was divine!

So she sat out for the Golden Dragon, a place in the 23rd District.

"Ah, Shinigami-san, how can I help you today?"

"Yes, I'd like to get a package for my friend. Your finest treatment!"

"Of course. What's your friend's name?"

"Tia Harribel."

"Yes, thank you….." the attendant scribbed a few times. "Tier Halibel."

"Huh? No, I said Tia Harribel."

"Yes, that's what I wrote."

"No, you wrote…" Momo froze; it seemed the characters were the same! "t-that's not how she spells it."

"Oh, in kanji?"

"Yes, in kanji, but you're not pronouncing it right! Ti-a Ha-ri-bel."

"Ti-er Ha-li-bel. Ma'am, aren't we saying the same thing?"

Headdesk.

* * *

**Giver #27 - Ururu  
Recipient - Tatsuki**

Polite Ururu Tsumugiya was the second NSWA member to finish the gift-collecting task. It was something that reminded both of their former home.

* * *

**Giver #28 - Sun-Sun  
Recipient - Menoly**

Sun-Sun would be the third, also getting something to remind both of their former domain.

* * *

**Giver #29 - Harribel  
Recipient - Lilinette**

And Harribel would be the fourth.

* * *

**Giver #30 - Yachiru  
Recipient - Karin/Yuzu**

Kenpachi found her in her room, making a mess out of wrapping paper, glitter, and construction paper. "What's all this, Yachiru?"

"Christmas presents!" Yachiru already had a Santa hat on. "Everyone got a member to shop for! And I got the twins!"

"Why two?"  
"Cuz, Ken-chan," she said in an "so obvious" tone of voice, "there's an odd number of members! And it's only fair the president should take some responsibility and double up!"

"…..right."

* * *

**Giver #31 - Nemu  
Recipient - Yachiru**

Throughout the week, Nemu had worked on her gift to Yachiru, and with only a few hours left before the party, she took one final look at it.

"Ah…."

She took out a pink colored pencil and touched up the right side a bit.

"It's perfect," she declared, beaming.

* * *

"PARTY TIME! Come in, come in!" Yachiru stood by the clubroom door. "Put your snacks on the table and the gifts over there! One by one!"

Once everyone was seated, Yachiru dashed over to the head of the table. She made sure to get Santa hats for everyone, which confused some, as Seireitei didn't normally do Christmas.

"Okay! Here's how we do it! We'll go in reverse member order. Their Santa will give them their present! So it starts with the twins, and ends with me!"

She ran over and gave two boxes to Karin and Yuzu.

"Surprise!"

"Aw, thanks, Yachiru…." The twins smiled and opened the gifts, to which their smiles faded. "Uh….what did you get us?"

"Ta-da!" Yachiru had made a recreation of the magical gift outfits from an earlier event. "I thought it'd look so cute on you two!"

"Thank you so much!" Yuzu bowed. Karin…..gave an awkward laugh.

XXXXXX

"Next up is…ah, Apache-san," Nanao announced.

Isane presented her gift.

"Sweet!" Apache took the box and opened it up rather quickly, but Isane was confused. She didn't see the edges of the kimono, no, she saw…..

"Pfffffft!" Yoruichi covered her mouth. Her and Isane had swapped gifts by accident, but this would be funnier to not say anything.

"Nan-Nan, what is it?"

"I…..e-er…."

The only people that had no idea what it was were Yachiru, Lilinette, Yuzu, and Ururu. It was a small device hooked to a remote.

"Isane you naughty girl…." Retsu stared at it. She had something like in her drawer.

"THERE WAS A MISTAKE I SWEAR!" the older Kotetsu shouted, face redder than a tomato. "Apache-san, I'm so sorry!"

Apache turned on the switch.  
 **BZZZZZZZZZ**  
and the device began to vibrate in the box.

"Sorry for what?" Apache grinned like a shark. "I'll get some use out of this…."

"One gift in and we've already gone indecent. Lovely," said Nanao, who was covering Yachiru's eyes.

XXXXXX

"Here's mine," said Liltotto. The box she gave to Mila Rose was small, but inside….was a picture frame.

"How did…..how did you capture this?!"

"You two were hanging out for a while. Sorry. I thought it was….kinda sweet."

Mila Rose hid it from Apache's prying eyes. It was a picture of her and Yumichika. He was vain but _damn_ was he good looking, and she enjoyed his company at the 11th.

"Well….thanks!" her cheeks were pink.  
"What is it?!"  
"Don't you have a toy to play with?"

XXXXXX

Sun-Sun was next, so Nanao got up and handed her a perfectly wrapped tea set, jasmine and gold in color.

"Ooooooh…..this is lovely, Ise-san. I hope it wasn't too much."

"Ah ha…..it was a 2 for 1 deal…."

Meaning she had to pay for both after she had broken the first (snake-themed) one.

XXXXX

Then it was Harribel, who took Momo's coupon with a quiet smile.

"You like it?"

"I don't mind some rest and relaxation…..why did they misspell my name?"

Momo's eye twitched.

XXXXX

After that, Harribel passed the gift to Lilinette. She opened it with a curious look, and marveled at the surprise inside - a calligraphy set.

"Stark mentioned you wanted to improve your handwriting, Lilinette."

"Sure do! Thank you!" Lilinette looked so cheerful. "I'll show those dumb spa guys how to spell your name!"

_"It's the same characters!"_ Momo exclaimed.

XXXXX

"TADA!" Mashiro practically threw the poorly wrapped present to Neliel. "Open it! Open it open it open it!"

Neliel did, and the whole table blinked owlishly at the get-up - a jade green costume with an emerald mask and forest green tassels. "Ah, Mashiro, this is for…."

"We're gonna be…." She held up her own costume. "THE MEAN GREEN FIGHTING MACHINES!"

Naturally, the table didn't know how to respond, but Neliel's eyes told a different story.

"Y-Yes, senpai….!"

XXXXX

Menoly's gift was a yutaka, pitch black adorned with moon patterns. "Wow….Sun-Sun, where did you get this?"

"Fufufufu….I don't usual reveal my sources, but if you want to know, Ishida-kun assisted me."

Kiyone spat out her juice…..all over Hiyori's cake.

XXXXX

"Here, Loly." Tatsuki held up two boxes. "Left or right?"

"Tatsuki-san, you got me two things?"

"No, but the coin wouldn't pick, even after I flipped 30 times! So I'm letting you do it." Loly chose right, and opened up a kite with snowflake patterns. "It's….a little childlike but…"

"It's beautiful, Tatsuki-san! Do you ride it?"

"No, it's a kite. I'll have to teach you how to fly one."

"What was the other gift?" Orihime whispered.

"A….Another kite," she whispered back.

XXXXX

Yuzu's gift was a box with smooth silky ribbons. "Merry Christmas, Liltotto-san!" Her recipient opened it up, and saw that it was food. "Ah, Yuzu, that's-"  
"Open it up all the way!"

It was a cake with strawberry frosting, and in the center, Yuzu had written the characters for "Kitty", "Glubo", and "Pinky" with crude frosting drawings of her and her two friends.

"That looks delicious!"

"I want some!" Candice aimed for a piece but Liltotto nearly stabbed her hand with the fork. "Liltotto, what the hell?!"

"It's…..a work of art…..and it shall not be eaten!"

"GASP?! But Lily, you love sweets."

Liltotto held up the cake, a single tear streaming down her face as angelic voices sung and a spotlight aimed right at her.

"This is proof…..happiness is real….."

"Oh stop!" Yuzu giggled. "You're making me blush!" The glutton looked over at Karin, who winked at her.

XXXXX

Candice handed Meninas a pink box.

"What's this…..OH MY GOD!" Meninas clutched Otto II so hard, she nearly ripped it in half. "ThankyouthankyouthankyouTHANKYOU! I love it, Candy-chan!"

"Heh….now you can sleep soundly at night."  
"Silly, I already do that. Remember the night we bunked together during that heat wave?"

"Yeah, I do…."

"And you slept naked!"

"MOVING ON!"

XXXXXXX

Rukia presented a blue-wrapped gift. Once Candice opened it up, her jaw dropped. "Holy fucking shit….Kuchiki…you beautiful blueblood!"

"Aw, this is nothing. Glad you like it!"

Candice eagerly opened up the collection of perfumes, lotions, and hairsprays. "I love Christmas so much!"

XXXXX

Ururu's gift was a picture of her sitting on Santa's lap, from a time when she lived in Karakura Town. She looked so shocked, her normally stoic demeanor evaporated. "S-Santa-sama…."

"Menoly, how did you get that?"  
"Jinta gave it to me," she whispered. "I guess she lost her copy."

"Oh no, I still have it. I just really like Santa," said Ururu in the most de-facto voice she ever had, rubbing the picture to her cheek. "I love it."

"…"

"….."

"How old is she again?" Karin whispered to Yoruichi.

XXXXXX

"Here Hiyori-san!" Loly bowed her head before giving the Vizard her present. "I'm sorry if it's no good, but I saw it and I thought of you."

Hiyori pumped her fist. "Hell yeah! You got a smart head on your shoulders, Loly!"

"I don't get it, it's a pair of sandals."

"Lisa you dope, they're leather!" She swung one around. "Feel that crack? Finally I don't have to beat Shinji or that baldy Ichigo with my own!"

XXXXXX

"Merry Christmas, Lisa!"

Lisa took Neliel's gift, and opened the paper to reveal the risqué novel. "Marvelous. I haven't read this one in years!" She began to read immediately.

"Captain Kyoraku helped me." Neliel smiled smugly once she saw steam fog up Lisa's glasses, who only kept reading.

Yachiru squinted at the spine's title. "Nan-Nan, what's an…..afrodeesiac?"

XXXX

"Here, Kuna. I got this for you."

Mashiro opened the box from Soi, and her eyes nearly exploded. It was a 1:1 replacement of her old jumpsuit from when she lived in Karakura. "C-Captain Fon….this is…this is…."

"Yes?"

"YIPEE!" So excited, Mashiro ripped her uniform off and jumped into the outfit proper. "And you got the gloves, too! Yay!"

"….Kuna." Soi was glad she liked it but there was one major problem.

"What's up?"

"That…..that's too big for you…."

"What do you mean?!" Mashiro pointed her long sleeve. "It's the thought that counts!" She skipped over to hug Soi, only to have the costume fall to her knees, making her slip and hit the floor.

XXXXXX

Kukaku opened Isane's gift, a beautiful kimono. "Huh…..thanks, Yoruichi."  
Poor Isane was still mumbling that it was a mistake.

"You sound disappointed, Kuu."

"Well, uh…..hmm. Where did Apache go?"

**BZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

The girls turned towards the bathroom door.

"Give me that." Nanao snatched the sake bottle from Rangiku and drank to put this out of her mind.

XXXXX

Ururu shyly gave Tatsuki her gift. It was a purple box, and inside was something not native to the Soul Society - a sweater.

"Wow….I guess you bought this like Captain Fon?"  
"Actually I made it."

"M-Made it….."

The design on the front was a perfect recreation of Karakura Town's map, with the name of the town spelled out in golden letters. It was so beautiful Tatsuki actually cried.

That made Ururu happier than the Santa picture ever could.

XXXXX

Lilinette placed a small jar in Yoruichi's hand. "Ta-da!"

"Uh….what is this?"

Her bravado faded instantly. "Cat…..nip…..?"

"HAHAHAHA!" Yoruichi gave a hearty laugh. "That's a good one! Thanks, Lilinette!"

"Yeah, g-great gag gift, right?"

"Gag?" Heads spun when Yoruichi poured nearly the entire jar down her throat. "Kisuke stopped giving me this, the cheap bastard…."

XXXXX

"Hime-chan is up next!" Yachiru announced.

"Oh…" Lisa looked up from her book - pausing to wipe the steam off her glasses - and reached over to pass a wrapped book to Orihime. "Here you go, kid."

"Thanks, Yadomaru-san!" Orihime read the title. "The _Karma….Sutra_ …?"

Tatsuki gasped, but it was too late. Orihime looked through the book, and while her face got incredibly red, and blood spluttered out her nose, she couldn't stop reading.

"Save that for Ichigo," Lisa winked. "Oh, check out page 54, that's a good one!"

Orihime fainted at said position.

"A little amateurish, but I like it," Retsu agreed.

XXXXX

"Since, um…..Orihime-san is still unconscious, I suppose Rukia-san's gift is from her." Nanao passed the gift over.

"Wow!" Orihime had made a paper-mache Chappy doll, with a paper-mache Rukia to go with it. "Chappy and I can fight bad guys together! Pow! Pow!"

"They're not figurines," Soi pointed out.

"…..powpow?"

XXXX

"Here babe….there are from me." Kukaku tossed the gift across the table. "Hope you like it!"

Soi's present were a pair of engraved golden rings to tie on her braids. One of them had both of their names in a heart. The other….said **Shaokaku.**

"What's that mean?" Mashiro asked, fiddling with her giant costume.

"It's…..um….."

"Come on, Soi, they're not gonna tell."

"Our…..couple name. You….put the names together…."

"YAY! That's so sweet!" Yachiru gushed. "Bee-chan, you're so lucky to have her!"

Soi held the rings tightly, but with pride. "Yeah…..I really am."

XXXXX

Nemu's gift turned out to be a set of checkers. "Hiyori-san….?"

"Look, I know you and Akon play chess, but I can teach you another game! It's not as big of a brain teaser, but I'd thought you'd like it, y'know?"

Nemu's eyes scanned the red and black pieces. "I'd love to play a game with you. Did….you feel left out?"

"As if!" Hiyori lied. "Now get ready, because they call me the Checkers Champ!"  
Another lie.

XXXXXX

Meninas shared Mashiro's lack of wrapping skill with Yachiru's presentation, but Momo took the gift all the same. "Oooh….another bun casing for my hair?"

"Yep! You can mix it up! Everyone knows you're cuter with a bun, right girls?"

"Heehee, really? Toshiro feels the same way…..thank you!"

XXXXX

Rangiku practically drooled at her gift, an associated collection of liquor. Apache even had enough style to organize it so that no bottle had the same color. "Do you know….what we have to do now….?"

"Some of this, some of that?" Apache pointed to both her "toy" and the booze in a rather unashamed fashion.

"Jello shots off my stomach, right now!" she slammed the table. "Let's go!"

"Oh, I love jello!" Yuzu exclaimed.  
"Not the same thing, Yuzu."

Nanao had to force herself to stop drinking, otherwise she'd pass out.

XXXXX

Next up was Retsu, who unwrapped her present. "How beautiful…." It was a confectionary basket of candy, soaps, and other goodies. "Look, there's the tag."

**Ringo Sutarru**

"Goodness, who could that be?" Retsu asked in mock innocence, looking at Karin. Karin shrugged and grinned. One evening she had told her about the Beatles.

"Beats me. Maybe Paul or George would know?"

XXXXXX

Both Nemu and Nanao looked perplexed when both Kiyone and Retsu had a gift for Isane. To make it even odder, they BOTH had commissioned a tall-enough kimono from Uryu Ishida.

"There's 31 of us," Nanao whispered. "And everyone ELSE has a gift, right?"

"Yachiru must've counted incorrectly. Her getting two gifts for Yuzu and Karin cancel it out."

"…let's not do this next year, Nemu."

XXXXX

Mila Rose ignored Apache's snickers when her unknown gift to Kiyone turned out be a very large stuffed penguin. How her Captain fit it in a smaller box would remain a mystery of the universe.

XXXXX

The Vice-President perked up considerably when Rangiku revealed her gift. "A Frigid Union?"

"Yep! Reviews were rave for THIS bad boy!"

Nanao let out a cute snort. "If rave means vindictive, sure. This book is riddled with plotholes, uneven structure, and the grammar is horrendous!"

"WHAT?!" _That stupid egghead_! "So why do you look so happy?"

**Click** went her red pen. "I'll enjoy finding all of its errors. Most people give up after the third chapter, but I'll take the challenge!"

Rangiku groaned. "I need more jello shots…."

XXXXX

Finally….the last gift - to Yachiru herself - was from Nemu. The gift was wrapped in a red cloth, and when she revealed it to the table, everyone saw a stunning self-portrait of Yachiru.

"Nemu-chan…..you….made this yourself?"

"Yes, a wonderful memory inspired me to make it. When we saw the sunset?"

"I drew you…." Yachiru's eyes were wide. "Nemu-chan, I….dunno what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. Your face tells me all I need to know." Nemu hugged her. "Merry Christmas, Yachiru."

It was honestly the most touching gesture the president had ever received. She hugged her back, and although Nemu felt wetness into her top, she knew how happy Yachiru really was. "Merry Christmas, Nemu-chan."

Yachiru pulled away and rubbed her eyes. She then grinned and blew her airhorn.

**"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"**

That got Orihime up at least. It did nothing for the splitting headaches Nanao and Rangiku both had.

**FIN**

**Author's Note:**

> Phew! This took me hours to finish, but it's complete. Hope everyone has a great holiday, a happy new year, and the girls will see you all in 2018!
> 
> The Isane error was not planned - I legitimately thought I could correct the odd # of members using Yachiru+Karin/Yuzu. But it adds to the comedy, me thinks.


End file.
